We pass in the hall on our way to separate rooms

The only time we’ll ever talk is when the monthly bills are due

We go to work, we go to church, We fake a perfect life

I’m past the point of giving a damn, All my tears are cried

It’s been so long since I’ve felt anything inside these walls

You can’t heal, you can’t hurt when you don’t feel at all

I used to cry and stay up nights and wonder what went wrong

It’s been hard but hearts can only do that for so long

We can’t just go on like this, Say the word, we’ll call it quits

You can go or you can stay, I won’t love you either way

–Chris Stapleton  “Either Way”

Powerful words in that song and heartbreakingly real for many marriages. When feelings like the ones in that song, begin to present themselves… you are treading dangerous ground.

You are about to enter “The Marriage Killing Field.”

Before Ken and I were married we met with a Pastor for premarital advice, like a lot of couples do and which I highly recommend. Gotta make sure you’re not getting hitched to an unequally yoked man, now! Well, during this one particular session with our Pastor he said something that has stuck with me the entire 29 years of my marriage. He said, “It’s not being angry or the arguments that destroy a marriage, it’s when you stop caring enough to be angry.  Even if you think you hate your spouse, there is still emotion there. It’s apathy that is the killer of a marriage.”  

I thought at the time, ‘now that’s profound.’ But I never felt how real it could be until I started becoming aware of all the struggles married couples go through. Then, I saw the importance of preventing the relationship from ever getting remotely close to that “field.”  

Struggles were plentiful in our marriage.  Even in the beginning, the pressures were great and with no role models or support in place, the tension and arguments became a regular thing. Actually, it wasn’t just in the beginning. We have had countless arguments over the course of our marriage. Some of them knock down drag outs, -with words only- never physical. (Physical abuse is never to be tolerated) It would take days to get over our wounds. Some of the words spoken stayed with us until after a good heart-to-heart, and forgiveness was administered. While these episodes were so painful, they came with the proof that we still cared enough for the other to at least put effort into winning our battle. We didn’t walk away. At least not for very long.

We never have been a couple that goes silent. Mostly due to my husband’s obsessive nature of being a peacemaker. Due to his responsibilities at work, over the years he has learned how to “put out fires” and get things resolved as quickly as possible. He is a relationship kind of guy! I on the other hand, I have to process the situation and I do it slowly and alone. Then, I am able to come back and share my thoughts. This has been a saving grace at times because sometimes an argument just needs to be tabled but I also see his point of not letting wrath go to bed with you!

When people ask Ken how his marriage survived, he responds, “we both never wanted to quit at the same time.”  So true. As long as one of you still has the desire to love and work thru any differences you may have, you and your spouse can survive. Where there is caring there is hope. Fortunately for us, our hearts never went cold and we didn’t enter the ‘marriage killing field.’

Instead, we saw the casualty about to happen and we found tools and people that became our detour. Our tools were conferences like Weekend to Remember and Love and Respect. We read dozens of books on marriage and watched the hilarious but so revealing video, Laughing Your Way to a Better Marriage. We learned to pray together and became vulnerable instead of defensive.

Our people were sent by God into our lives in the form of a marriage group called 2-B-1. The 3 couples we joined were the support we had needed all those earlier years. We met bimonthly for 10 years. Amazing growth came from being together and learning God’s design for marriages. It was priceless. It is the thing I encourage first for  struggling couples. Get in a church and find like-minded couples and meet with them. Accountability is a necessity in marriage, especially for husbands.  Wives: they need you to instigate this small group relationship. You probably won’t hear your husband say, “honey I think we should go to this potluck and sit around and talk about our personal lives with people we hardly know.” Nope. This is where you are his helpmeet and it’s gonna take some prayer and persuasion on your part, but you can do it! And he will be glad for it.

I hope I have shown you a side of marriage that you are to steer clear of and that I have given you a solution as to how to do that. Trials and upsets come, God even said so, so no surprise there. He also put into place a way to handle them. His Son, Jesus, is going to guide you far away from the killing field if you will just put the compass in His hand. The place He will lead you will be a mountaintop.  Just keep climbing and caring.

May God’s blessing and direction be on your marriage. If you need to know more about the tools to fight off the enemy -or just a Sister’s encouragement- please contact me. Susan@thehelpmeets.com or leave a comment. I would love to hear where you are at in your marriage.